One of those days

Today is one of those days.
Today is one of those horrible days when I wish I wasn't a mother, where I question whether or not I am the sort of person that should be a mother.

I should never have been able to have children. The doctor told me so. It never bothered me as I never wanted children.  But when I found out I was pregnant, I somehow knew that these were my babies, that this was meant to be.

Unfortunately today is one of those days when I question that. I don't usually have such beastly thoughts about my boys, not since the PND days, and I suspect a lot of it is down to tiredness. Special thanks to Benny for deciding that he now wants to be awake between 11pm and 2:30am.

Many little things have been irritating me today but I finally had a cry shortly after lunch. I was on the floor picking up bits of lunch the boys deemed to be not good enough for them when Benny launched his cup out of his high chair. It landed on the plate I was collecting the food on and it smashed in half. I told him off. I told myself off for telling him off. He, after all, didn't do it deliberately. I carried on picking the food up when Benny reached over and grabbed a handful of my hair. I gave him another telling off but could feel myself starting to well up. I sat on the floor and felt bits of food hitting the back of my head. I lost it and sat there sobbing. All sorts went through my mind. What had become of me? This isn't me. This enormous fat girl with saggy tits and flabby belly. This girl with no make up on, with frizzy hair in horrible condition. This girl with stubbly legs, cracked lips, rough skin, food stained dress that i've been wearing for three days.as I haven't had a chance to wash any of my own clothes out for nearly a week. I didn't recognise myself. I haven't recognised myself in a long time. I don't know who I am anymore. I don't matter anymore. I want my old life back.

My old life wasn't fantastic. I had a job that paid well but that I was falling out of love with. I had a fancy flat in the town centre and, more importantly, I had complete 100% freedom. I can't even have a wee without an audience screaming at me.


But today is just one of those days. It'll be over soon and tomorrow will be a better day.