Since I found out I was pregnant in December 2013, I have lived in a state of constant fear. I was scared about how I, somebody who has been unable to keep a house plant alive for more than a fortnight, was going to successfully raise a child by myself.
I was scared on the way to the hospital two weeks later when I was bleeding and was half hoping and half fearing that I was having a miscarriage. Half an hour later I was even more terrified to be told I was expecting twins. I think my exact words were "TWINS! TWINS!! What the fuck do you mean by twins? TWINS?!"
Throughout the entire pregnancy I convinced myself I had lost them. I wouldn't believe otherwise until I had a scan or the midwife reassured me their hearts were beating just fine.
Oddly enough I wasn't scared about giving birth. I was worried that I would poo myself in front of everyone, which I didn't (I had a plan). Being induced was pretty horrific and 20 odd hours into an excruciating labour I was told the boys were in distress and my blood pressure was dropping. You bet your arse I was scared. I had an emergency c-section. I was scared it would hurt. I was scared the doctors were secretly using my intestines as a lasso behind the screen. I was scared the boys wouldn't make it. I was scared I would die. I was scared when my sons didn't cry. I was scared when they were being given oxygen. I was scared when I forgot how to breathe and had to have oxygen.
I was petrified when I came around and realised that I was now a mother to two tiny people. For the first 6 months I lived in fear that my babies would be taken by SIDS.
Constant peeping on them and poking them in the night.
I also live in fear that the boys will be snatched from me by somebody intent on doing them harm. I worry that paedophiles are lurking around every corner. I worry that every tiny red mark that appears on their bodies is meningitis.
If you'd have asked me 3 years ago what my biggest fear was, I would have said clowns or China dolls. Now my biggest fear is that I won't be able to keep my sons safe and protect them from all the evil in the world.
Right now I'm scared. My boys are being referred to a paediatrician to investigate their delayed development, especially Chops who is showing the signs of autism. I'm scared for them, what it could mean. Will they have a normal life? What of all the hopes and dreams I had for them? How will I cope? What can I do to help them? What could I have done to prevent this? Could I have done anything to prevent this? Am I worrying about nothing?
Nothing is worse than the fear of the unknown. I have that fear. But I trust that I have the strength to get us through this. And wine. I also trust in wine to help get us through this.
