To my darling Noah
I'm so sorry life isn't going to be the charmed one I promised you when you were just a little wriggler in my tummy, but I promise it will be the best life I can give you.
I watched you sleep today after you conked out on the sofa. I thought of the life I had planned for you. You and Ben coming home after your first day of school telling me about the friends you made and the exciting things you learned. All the birthdays with all your friends as you both, of course, would be the most popular kids in your class. Your first day at secondary school, looking so young but still so grown up in trousers and a blazer. You'll probably have the bad shoes and product free hair that all year seven boys seem to sport. You and Ben would both ace your GCSEs and A levels. You would both graduate with honours, and I would be the proudest mum ever, crying her heart out in the crowd. Naturally you quickly land your dream job and probably move out into some fancy apartment with black granite worktops in the kitchen. You send me lots of photos of your many holidays, except the lads holidays. Mummy doesn't need to see photos of that. One day you'll bring a girl with you to one of our many family get togethers. You'll tell me that she's the one. You get married and eventually give me beautiful little red haired grandchildren. Of course, you may be gay and bring home a lovely man and tell me he's the one. You get married and adopt a few cute dogs and live happily ever after. Either way, mummy is happy if you are.
It makes me cry to think that this may not be your life. In my darkest moments I fear that you might never speak. I might never hear you say "I love you mummy". You might never be toilet trained. You might have to go to a special school. You might never make friends. You might never experience true love. You might never have a job. You might never live independently.
I do strive to be more optimistic. We may have caught this early enough to reverse it with the right help. It might not be autism. It might not be global development delay. You might just be a slow starter. I read the social services report last week and it struck me how far you had come since they made their observations. You smile at me a lot more now and make eye contact. You do respond to your name sometimes, and I don't always have to sing the Wheels on the Bus to get your attention. You don't have any sensory issues with noise or light etc. and you're still chilled when your routine is disrupted. You rarely cry or have tantrums and aren't a fussy eater. So maybe they're wrong. Either way, I shall do everything I can to make sure your life is as wonderful as possible and you get every help you need. I would like to say I would move mountains, but mountains are very big and we should probably navigate our way around or over it. I would punch a great shark for you though or kick a bear in the balls should be it be required. That, mummy can do.
It saddened me to realise that all the cute little things you do are probably because of these disorders. Your hand flapping, jumping up and down, trying to spin everything you can get your hands on, laughing at nothing and smiling at nothing. Or maybe these are just quirks that you will grow out of. Maybe my mum is right and it is your great nan that makes you laugh for hours in your cot at night. She passed away the year before you were born. Your nana says you're an old soul so you're more likely to be able to see her than Ben is. Apparently Ben is a brand new soul, which is why he looked permanently surprised during his first year. I don't know if I believe in that kind of stuff, but it is quite a comforting thought.
Of course, I recognise that these are all my worries, my hopes and my dreams. Not yours. None of this makes a blind bit of difference to you. You're completely oblivious. You have no concept of tomorrows or yesterdays, living only in the moment. The things that upset you most are when mummy switches off the television or when you fall off the sofa. I'm thinking about how I feel. It needs to be about what you feel, want and need. You're happy in your own world. You're always smiling and laughing so it seems like a happy place. Maybe mummy should join you in there instead. We would have such a lovely time together.
All my love
Mummy.x
